Sunday, November 7, 2010

A monkey in the making - Sunday thoughts part 3

A monkey?

Don't worry peeps, I'm not growing hair all over my body, I haven't started picking the lice off Lovely Boyfriend's head (to set the record straight, he hasn't got any), and I'm not feeding exclusively off bananas - wait... oh no, I still eat hummus, carrots and dried mango too. And dark chocolate.

No I'm talking about the monkey god, Hanuman, Rama's devotee who took the leap off a mountain to cross the ocean and find Sita. I'm not turning into a goddess either, and certainly not pretending to.

Let me explain.

Leap of faith and fears

A few posts have got me thinking lately. Mind you, I always think too much. Well let's just say they got me thinking even harder.

Two of them were written by the wonderful Marianne Elliott, sharing with us the tools that have allowed her to leap, giving more credit to faith than to self doubt, and the follow up asking what space should we give to our fear.
The always inspirational Danielle Laporte wrote the third one a few weeks ago already, but I discovered it yesterday only. Or to rephrase, I got slapped in the face. "All of you grinding gears in a day job while you heart is spinning bigger dreams", wow was that written for me?
But this part struck me particularly: "If you start to tell me why it's not possible or how bad you want it but you don't know how to get it - then you don't want it bad enough. Maybe isn't going to cut it." Slap in the face and kick in the butt. 

For ages I've struggled with the fact that I didn't know what I wanted. Now I'm getting a clearer idea, it's not a definite plan yet but it's not something unattainable. It needs shaping up, it needs preparation, it needs planning. But I'm willing and able.

The thing is, I listen too much to the damn fears. As I've mentioned already, I was raised to believe in security and safety over taking risks. Case in point, you should see how I handle my personal finance, I get cold sweat when I go beneath a certain amount on my bank account. And I'm not talking about overdraft, I don't even know what the word means. I've always chosen comfort over being on the edge, making sure I always have enough at the bank, and settling for jobs that I knew were below what I could offer. I've always functioned up to 80% of my capabilities. It's not bragging, it's being honest. 
I know it, so why is that? Comfort people, and the negative side of knowing oneself too much. Knowing that I'm capable of more, but lacking the trust and faith to just do it. And anxious about my bank account.

Safe or sane?

Now I'm in a place where what I do for a living doesn't feel right, where I can't settle for second best and just accept that that's what life is all about. Wake up, go to work, come back from work, pay the bills, settle down. That's never been me, but I shut up the voices that told me so. Now they're really, really loud, believe me! 

It's unbearable, and my sanity is at stake. But I'm now standing on the cliff, watching the waves of the ocean crashing below, and the woods behind. Still scared and attached. What will it take for me to just take the leap and look forward? 

I'm kind of scared of hitting the publish button right now, I'm putting myself a lot out there. Oh well, so be it!

Have a nice Sunday peeps!


  1. It is scary, but you know my motto: fuck it. Go for it!!

  2. Thanks Babs! Love your motto :)